


At Sea

by Stripe



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Pirates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-17
Updated: 2011-08-17
Packaged: 2017-10-22 17:53:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/240892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stripe/pseuds/Stripe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Where have I been? Well, it’s kind of a long story, Jade. Are you sure you want to hear it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	At Sea

**Author's Note:**

> This was my entry for Round 1 in the Homestuck Shipping Olympics, which was to redo an old cliche. It wasn't chosen as our team submission, but I still had a lot of fun writing it and learned a lot in the process, even if the plot I picked did not exactly fit well into a 3,000 word story.
> 
> Plus it spawned this ridiculous ask blog: http://askhomestuckpirates.tumblr.com/
> 
> So hopefully you all enjoy it!

Where have I been? Well, it’s kind of a long story, Jade. Are you sure you want to hear it?

Alright. Well, I guess to start, I’ve been out at sea almost the whole time. I’ve always wanted to go out and see the world, actually - I think it’s kind of natural when you grow up around here. You get customers from all over the world, with so many interesting stories, and you just can’t help but be jealous. That’s what Dave and Rose did, you know! Just stowed away one day, and now they’re off… somewhere!

Of course, I wasn’t planning on stowing away or anything. I was too scared I’d be caught, and all those stories about troll pirates kind of got to me. Pretty funny, actually, when you think of where I ended up!

But I guess I should start from the beginning. It was when the town got attacked, while you were out with your Grandpa.

…To be honest, I don’t really want to talk about this part.

No need to be sorry, Jade! It’s a little sad, but you deserve the whole story. It might be nice to get it off my chest after all this time, too.

It started off pretty normally. For the morning I was supposed to be getting supplies out in town. I can still remember the list now: Milk, flour, sugar, strawberries. I kept repeating it to myself so that I wouldn’t forget anything. I was walking past the docks to get back home when it happened, carrying the flour I’d bought from Miss Paint. I noticed this odd ship pulling in. The people getting off seemed weird, too, but I figured “Yeah, just your normal weird sea-dogs I guess” and I kept walking. A few minutes later, though, I heard a woman screaming, and I turned back.

Have you ever seen a troll before, Jade? I definitely hadn’t, and it was pretty scary. They have sharp horns and teeth, of course, and also grey skin and gold eyes, and they bleed every color of the rainbow! Plus, the guy I saw was armed to the teeth, so I did the natural thing: I dropped the flour and started to run.

That was the wrong thing to do. Running just gives them a challenge, you see? If a troll’s decided they’re going to kill you, then you’re already dead meat. It’s dumb to turn your back to them, since they’re probably faster and stronger than you are.

So what I did was stupid, but I was trying to get back home, to warn my dad. The troll caught up to me when I was still about a block away. And… from there I guess it’s kind of a blur. He knocked me down and was about to kill me, and then I thought I saw my dad come to help me out but-

I don’t know. I blacked out so maybe I was just imagining the next bit. I mean, you know what happened to -

Anyways, I woke up with this pounding headache in the hold of this ship, along with a bunch of other people from town. I was a bit confused at first, so I asked around and somebody told me that we were on a troll pirate ship and that we were probably going to be sold as slaves or something. I was pretty scared, I have to admit. I kept on repeating that list of things I had to get for my dad to keep myself calm. Milk, flour, sugar, strawberries. Just kept on saying it. Milk, flour, sugar, strawberries. I don’t know why it helped, but it did somehow. Made me hungry too, but that may have been because they didn’t really feed us much. Stupid thing about trolls. They can go a lot longer without food and water than we can, so they forget to feed their human captives.

I didn’t find this out until later, but the troll pirate captain who captured us was sort of infamous. He called himself “Orphaner Dualscar,” but that’s just the name he picked so he’d sound more intimidating. His real name was Eridan Ampora. He was well-known for attacking human coastal towns and stuff, though most trolls think he’s a coward for focusing on weakling humans. I can’t say, though. I only saw him when I was getting off the ship.

Oh, no! I didn’t get sold to any slaver trolls. Haha. Lady Luck was on my side, I guess you could say.

See, Eridan has this romantic rivalry thing with another pirate. I don’t really get it – troll romance is confusing, and I don’t even have time to explain it – but basically it means that they fight a lot and then end up kissing. Weird, right? Anyways, he had this thing going on with this other troll pirate named V- Mindfang, so she had her crew attack his ship about two days after I woke up. I thought I was hallucinating at first, actually! I could smell smoke because part of the ship was on fire, and a bunch of the other humans were running around, trying to get out. I followed them.

Above deck, it was kind of a bloodbath. All the troll pirates were fighting other trolls, and there was a bunch of rainbow blood all over the place. It all felt pretty surreal! The other people scattered, but I wasn’t thinking straight at the time, so I ended up wandering right into where all the action was taking place! That was pretty dumb of me, but I think I was dehydrated? Or concussed. Maybe both.

Next thing I knew, I was standing right in front of two troll pirate captains! Man, it was a sight to see. Eridan – who’s kind of pompous-looking, got these weird wavy horns and fins – was being held against the wall with a sword at his throat by Vri- Mindfang. And wow. She was striking. She’s got this really wild black hair which just billows out behind her, and she had this gigantic grin on her face, like she was having the time of her life, and-

Sorry, I guess I’m getting off track, haha. Anyways, she was threatening him but then she noticed me, and she said something like “Oh, have you started keeping pets now, Eridan” – stop laughing, Jade, I’m just fine at imitating girl voices! So she said that, and then I kind of got dizzy and I blacked out, I guess because of the dehydration and everything.

Uh, wow. That’s pretty embarrassing, now that I think about it. Pretend like I said I did something cool like fighting the pirates with my bare fists, OK? Thanks, Jade. You’re the greatest!

Anyways, when I woke up I was in a crappy little bed, but since I slept on the floor when I was on Eridan’s ship, it was better than what I had gotten used to. There was a bit of food and water laying out for me, too. Not a lot, but it was enough at the time, and getting anything from the trolls at all was good enough.

I got up and wandered around a little bit, and it turned out I was on a completely different ship from before! The trolls on board looked at me suspiciously as I walked past, but they left me alone for the most part, which was a nice change of pace. Eventually I got the courage up to ask one of them what was going on. I ended up asking this troll, Karkat – he’s kind of short and he’s got these really nubby horns – and he said “Well aren’t you a fucking idiot” – stop laughing Jade, his voice really is that growly! – “Don’t even know when you’re a blackrom trophy. Go ask Mindfang yourself.” Then he pointed me in her direction.

She was just as pretty then as she was when she was attacking Eridan’s ship. She was sitting out on the deck with some of the other crew members, beating all of them at a game of dice, but she was happy to stop playing when she saw me. She pulled me aside and told me what had happened, how Eridan was her hate-lover guy, and that she had taken me as a way to get him riled. She didn’t seem to be intent on selling me off, at least, so that was a good sign. But when I asked her what she planned on doing with me, she just said something like “I’ll drop you off at the next port, I figure. Noooooooo use in keeping a dead-weight on board!”

At first that sounded OK, but then I realized that it’d be a troll port where I would probably be killed immediately! So the logical thing to do, I thought, was to try and get the troll pirates to like me so that they wouldn’t dump me in one of their weird troll ports. And I tried everything. First was cooking, but they already had a cook, and I don’t know how to make troll food that well. I tried cleaning, but I kept on getting in the way of the other trolls, and Vris- Mindfang ordered me to stop. But you’ll never guess what got them to tolerate me!

You remember how you, me, Rose, and Dave would spend our days off out on the beach, watching the weather and stuff? Turns out I’ve got a knack for pointing out storms! It really just happened randomly one day when I noticed the winds were looking kind of ominous, so I warned Vrisk- Mi- actually, it’s dumb that I keep calling her Mindfang. Her real name’s Vriska, so I’m just going to use it.

Either way, she didn’t believe me at first, but she prepared the ship anyways, and when we didn’t sink, she actually thanked me! That’s rare for a troll pirate, you know. And that’s how I managed to stay on board!

Once I was officially a member of the crew, they had to teach me how to be a troll pirate, which meant learning to fight. I wasn’t at all good at it at first – trolls are a lot stronger than your average human, and they didn’t cut me any slack. Vriska was the worst! I don’t think she even knows the meaning of taking it easy on somebody. If she knocked me down during sparring practice, she would only give me a second to get back up before attacked again. Kept saying stuff like “If this were a real battle, you’d be dead by now!” and “You’re not some dumb Boy Skylark who can’t fend for yourself – fight back!”

You know, I still think I have a few scars… but I can show those off some other time! The training was hell, but I don’t regret it. Vriska’s methods were kind of unconventional by human standards, but they were definitely effective!

In fact, in my last training session with her, I managed to get her pinned! That was a pretty big surprise to both of us. See, once she’s down she’s a lot less threatening. When she’s on her feet she’s this smooth, fast killing machine, darting in and out before you can even catch her. But if you do manage to pin her, she’s light enough that she pretty much stays down.

Oh yeah, did you know that trolls blush with their blood color? I guess it makes sense, but I thought I was choking her or something for a minute, because her face suddenly went completely blue! It’s… how do I put it? Kind of adorable, once you know what’s going on. Is adorable a weird word to use for a troll? Yeah, I guess so. Haha.

But back to the story! Since troll pirates are criminals, there’s also a troll law force that tracks down troll pirates, and Vriska’s got this one in particular who’s always on her case. She calls herself Redglare, but Vriska always calls her Terezi, so I guess I’ll just go with that. I actually think they’re a better hate-love match than Vriska and Eridan, since Terezi’s actually a threat, but I don’t really know how troll romance works anyways.

We were on our way to make port when all the sudden we get attacked by Terezi’s ship! It was my first real combat experience, and it was kind of… intense! There were trolls everywhere, and I had to be careful to not attack my own crew members. I mean, I knew everybody’s faces pretty well by then, but it can still be a bit confusing when you’re the only non-gray one.

But Vriska had trained me well! I was able to defend myself against even a lot of trolls, so I sort of fought my way across the ship. I don’t really know why- well, yes I do. I was looking for Vriska, because even if I knew she could fend for herself, I was a bit worried.

I found her quickly enough. She was being pinned against a wall by Terezi, who’s pretty terrifying, even for a troll! Her eyes are just solid red instead of the normal yellow, and she has really sharp teeth, like a shark. It threw me off guard for a moment, but I snapped out of it when she made a move to try and kill Vriska. I suddenly felt pretty protective of my captain, so I charged forward and attacked her, just like that! I think it surprised all three of us, actually.

I started fighting her for a bit, but I was really obviously outmatched. Terezi was able to beat Vriska, after all, who’s even better at me than fighting, and she had me backed down against a wall in a minute. I thought I was going to die! Terezi actually got a sword through me, right, ah, here. Right in the shoulder.

Luckily, my captain was looking out for me! Vriska started fighting Terezi again, distracting her almost immediately. She was doing a really good job at it, too! Even though I was probably dying of blood loss, I couldn’t help but marvel at her. She kind of dances when she fights, and it’s really a sight to see! But I guess Terezi said something that caught her off guard, because she turned to look at me for just a moment, and then Terezi stabbed her in the back.

I mean literally stabbed in the back, too. The tip of her cane-sword came right out of Vriska’s stomach, and I thought I was going to be sick. Terezi left pretty quickly after that, so I sort of staggered over to Vriska and scooped her up in my arms, but, uh… she was losing a lot of blood. Yeah. So there wasn’t anything I could do but whisper sweet nothings into her hair and hold her while a really sad violin piece played in the background. And then… then she opened her eyes, filled with unshed tears, and she looked at me for the last time.

Her final words were “John Egbert, I love you,” and then she died, right in my arms. And that’s what happened!

\----

There is silence on the docks. John Egbert is grinning, his arms crossed against his chest as he sits atop a barrel, while Jade simply stares expectantly. Finally, she can no longer take it.

“John!” she chastises, throwing her arms into the air. “That can’t be the end of the story! The heroine can’t just die, even if she is a troll pirate. It’s just… too sad.”

“But Jaaaaaaaade,” John protests. “It’s a romantic ending! Because she died in my arms, you see?”

“I don’t know…” Jade squints at him, as though carefully examining his excuse. “It sounds like the kind of ending that would be in one of those weird Cage novels that you always read so much of.”

“And what’s wrong with ending a story like a Cage novel?” At once both Jade and John turn their heads towards the new voice, and John’s face immediately breaks out into a grin when he sees who it is.

“Oh, hey there Vriska!” he greets. “This is my friend Jade! Jade, meet Vriska! I was lying, actually, she didn’t really die. We got away just fine! Well, we both did get hurt pretty bad, but we got away! It sounded more dramatic with her dying, though, you know?”

Vriska clicks her tongue as she crosses the wooden dock to stand by John’s side, using his shoulder as an arm rest. “Joooooooohn, you’re supposed to call me Mindfang in public. I have a reputation to maintain!” John simply chuckles and wraps his arm around Vriska’s waist, pulling her in closer.

Jade looks between the two of them, plucking nervously at her skirt. “So,” she starts gently. “John, now that you’ve made it back home, do you think you’ll be staying a while?”

John ponders this for a moment, humming to himself. “No, I don’t think so. Just dropping by to see how everybody is.” He glances up to Vriska once again, who is already looking bored, and the faintest of smiles crosses his face. “Besides, I think my true home is at sea now.”


End file.
